The Bear-necessities of life

The Bear-necessities of life

Don’t ever sleep in a bear’s bed: not baby bear’s, not mummy bear’s and definitely not daddy bear’s. That is what Goldilocks has taught us. And never steal their porridge.

But it seems that bears are more sensitive then their big gruff exterior suggests; all they really want is a bit of appreciation. As local officials in Syktyvkar (Russia) compile a handbook of bear etiquette, we look at how you should treat your neighborhood Pooh.

So without further ado here is what you should do if you have a close encounter of the distinctly furry kind.

1.    Remember that every bear wants to be treated with respect. No one likes name-calling; no one wants to have a club waved at them. If one approaches you on the street asking for directions to the nearest post box, don’t turn up your nose at them. Seriously, you try keeping all that hair odour free.

2.    Don’t turn your back on a bear. I mean honestly have some common courtesy. You wouldn’t tell your Grandmother to Shut Up now would you.

3.    Speak firmly to a bear. They have feelings too, they don’t want to be made fun of or feel that you are afraid of them. Give them that reassurance that you understand what they are…roaring.

4.    If you want to take it outside sometime, the bear beat you at pool, then remember to give as good as you get. They don’t like cowards. “Shout angrily and look it straight in the eye” (well maybe step on a little box first).

5.    If push comes to shove, quite literally, worse case scenario and your best bear turns hostile, act like a champion wrestler. You tell that bear who is boss, act aggressive, they like assertion.

6.    And handily it is always important to realize that “any encounter with a bear is unsafe for humans”. Hold off on those ideas of reconciliation over dinner, they really don’t give a hoot if you serve caviar or cheese on toast, the only person on the menu tonight is you.

Just remember these rules, because if you go down to the woods today you…
…really want to go without strife?
…really want to still have a wife?
…really want to leave with your life.

Nb. In all seriousness don’t make friends with a bear. There are a nightmare at parties –eat all the fruit and nut nibbles- and to be quite honest couldn’t care less about throwing sticks in a river…

Katia Reed
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